This post was originally written on October 3rd, 2012
I want to share a story with you about something that happened to me earlier this year……….
Here we go……
“As worship leaders, one of our problems is that we’re often more impressed with what we do than with what God has done”. – Bob Kauflin
This is a quote I posted on Facebook on March 17, 2012 that I took from a book that I am reading called “Worship Matters”, written by Bob Kauflin. If you are a worship leader that wants to understand what being a worship leader is REALLY about, then I highly insist that you purchase it. It will change your life.
On March 18th, 2012 My church launched our second campus in Arnold, MO which is about 50 miles north of our main campus in Leadington, MO. For me, this was one of the most exciting days in our church. I had recently moved into the position as assistant worship leader a few months prior to the launch, so I had been learning and training for this day, how to administrate a Sunday morning service on the worship side of things while our lead worship pastor was running the service at our new campus in Arnold. BIG DAY for our church, and a big day for me personally…”this is it”…time to prove myself and be the leader I was expected to be, the leader that a lot of people depended on and looked to for direction etc….
Due to the new campus launch, almost every single one of our musicians were being utilized between the two campuses, and because we are currently short-handed in the guitar player world we are trying to be creative and use pre recorded guitar tracks to run alongside of our click track so that we are not missing that electric guitar element and we can maintain that dynamic in our worship band.
Back up a few days to the Thursday before the big launch and we are at band practice. Two different bands, for the two different campuses. Everyone is really excited, were goofing around having a great time, and not taking things too serious, and just enjoying playing music together (WITH pre recorded guitar tracks) and preparing for the exciting day to come.
Now fast forward ahead to “The Big Day”…….Sunday, March 18th, 2012
I walk in to our Leadington campus at 7am to get things turned on, make sure wireless mics and packs have fresh batteries, get breakfast for our worship and tech crew ready.The I turn on some rockin music in the “Green Room” to create an exciting atmosphere as our volunteers arrive to serve on our worship team, and tech crew. 8am is our service run through time…we run through the songs, and make sure all the lines are working, we make sure videos and lights are going to operate properly…and as we hoped, all runs smoothly. We are prepared to take on the two services ahead of us, one at 9am, and one at 10:45am. Let me just clarify that at this point, I was completely humbled that I was entrusted with the responsibility to be in this position. To lead people, to be responsible for things that mattered, and to be given the opportunity to show what I had learned over the previous months. It was a true honor!
So 8:55am comes around, the 5 minute countdown is going, and we gather on stage to pray before we begin to lead people into the presence of God, and teach the Gospel.
9am!! It’s go time!! Things are more serious now than in practice since this is the real thing, and there are a few hundred people watching now rather than just a sound guy mixing levels. We start the service, Jesus is lifted high through song, and the Word is delivered in a powerful way.
After the first service, we always meet in the “Green Room” to go over the first service, we make sure things ran smooth, we check to see if there are any changes to be made, or if anybody needs anything on the technical side of things. In my mind I was thinking…”It was different, but everything went smooth. The band played well, and there were no problems.” There is definitely a dynamic missing not having a live guitar player, and it was a little distracting personally due to not being able to hear the tracked guitar as well as I would like because of it being on a loop with other tracked sounds that add ambience to the sound of our band. But in spite of that, things went well, and there were no problems.
Service number 2!! 10:45am!! Still pretty excited!! The Arnold campus had been in service now for about 45 minutes and we had talked to a couple guys that were up there and it was going well. Somewhere around 70 adults showed up. This was really encouraging and exciting to us for a first service. So service number two begins and this is where things start to get jacked on the inside for me…..
Already recognizing the lack of dynamic in the first service due to not having a live guitar player….I begin to dwell on that and put my focus in the wrong place…I begin to critique the band harshly in my mind, noticing every mistake, missed note, chord, punch, and wash….I notice myself singing worse than I already do on a regular basis, thinking “great, I’m singing terrible, and the band is struggling a bit and now I am not going to look like a good leader to the guys in leadership over me”…I begin feeling bored, frustrated, uncomfortable, and even angry. I didn’t want to play anymore, I just wanted the service to be over with, and I wanted to go home and spend time with my family…….
After the service was over, I talked to a few people from the congregation, said thank you to multiple compliments pretending to be excited and pleased with the service. I shut all the technology down, packed up my family, and headed home. Feeling totally defeated, and VERY un-excited and unsatisfied with the morning….I called one of my closest friends to vent, and complain….actually to be a big baby really. I began to tell him about the service and told him that “I don’t want to do this every week…I hate playing with guitar tracks, it’s not very fun, and I am not excited about spending the next several weeks doing it.” His response was, “yeah I understand what you mean, but it’s gonna be alright man.” Slightly disappointed in his lack of catering to my whining I got off the phone and went on about my day trying to just forget about the morning and focus on my family.
A few hours later as the day went on, that same friend that I had complained to had apparently not seen my previous post on Facebook from the day before where I had posted the quote from Bob Kauflin until the present Sunday afternoon. Having forgotten about that quote completely, and not even remembering that I posted it, I received a notification on my Facebook from the “complainee” that said this….
But first, a reminder of my quote: “As worship leaders, one of our problems is that we are often more impressed with what we do than with what God has done.” – Bob Kauflin
My friend’s comment to my post: “That should explain why you were so upset today.”
Now…this doesn’t seem like such a big revelation to someone just reading it. But if someone could have felt what I was feeling up until the moment before I read this comment they would have known what it felt like the moment right after I read it. It was one of the most spiritual, and emotionally painful, yet freeing moments I have had in my 24 years of life. Having idols RIPPED out of your heart in a way that is not possible to describe in words hurt, but after the ripping was over, I felt more free from myself than I had felt maybe in my whole life. I just didn’t care anymore almost instantly…I had lost the desire for man’s approval (including my own) and I didn’t care about being comfortable and/or having everything my way anymore. I spent the previous 3 years or so caring so much about the approval of the people, especially those in leadership over me, that I spent most days stressed out over whether or not I would have something profound to say in staff meetings, or cell family meetings, so that I could impress them by showing that I had been reading my Bible a lot, and that I had been learning from the sermons, and books I was reading, so they would know I was “growing” in Jesus, and in my leadership role. I would talk when it wasn’t necessary just to be sure to have something to say. I would be the first person to criticize myself while watching the videos back from each service so that my lead worship pastor and head of our tech department would know that I knew I sang bad on that note, or that I said the wrong lyrics…I was so worried that if they thought that I thought I was doing good when I actually wasn’t then they might not allow me to be in a leadership position, or that they would not give me as much responsibility in ministry, and that I would miss out on an opportunity to grow, or move up in a position of responsibility, or authority in our church. So I made sure they knew that I recognized it and would be trying harder to be better. Let me just add that this is all about having idols smashed in my own life, NOBODY was doing or saying anything to me that made me feel overly self conscious about myself. It was all self centered me.
I cared so much about what people thought of me as a worship leader or person of influence that I stopped getting as excited on stage, and stopped jumping around like I used to do( because I was truly that passionate about worshipping Jesus) because I heard that kids were doing “the Josh” in our children’s ministry, and that kids were wanting to dress like me and stuff like that…these things were encouraging, and a bit humorous to me, and to be honest, I was actually quite humbled by it. But then I became self conscious about it to the point that I stopped doing them because I was afraid that people would think I was only doing it because people liked it, or enjoyed seeing me do it.
I was so enslaved to the approval of man and what they thought about me, and what I did, that I was almost becoming a zombie on auto pilot, putting my passion for worship and Jesus aside in order to maintain a humble attitude…almost to the point of being too humble that I was probably just annoying to people. In fact…I might have actually been creating a whole new idol, because I was putting all my focus on myself and how others saw me.
On March 19th, my best friend posted this on Twitter(not even knowing yet about what I had been dealing with). “The truth is that God called you and chose you to be like Him in His image. You don’t need people to approve of you. Jesus already has. #truth”
Taking the previous two days before, and then adding this tweet to them….my life has been completely changed in a way that I will never be able to accurately explain, and I know that this was a genuine heart change by the Holy Spirit that was so evident I will never be able to go back to that way of thinking and that way of life. I will ALWAYS strive for excellence in ministry, I will ALWAYS work harder to be a better singer, a better musician, and a better leader. But NONE of that matters AT ALL if our focus is on those things alone, and not on Jesus Christ and USING those things to expand the Glory of our God, tell people about what He has done, and to attract and point people to His Gospel.
I know there will still be temptations of pride, and ego boosting, and I know there will still be some days where I will give in and bash myself, or feel defeated. But it will not be a way of life, and I will not be ENSLAVED to the approval of man….I am done with that. I value opinions, input, correction, and advice. I will always submit to authority, and grow from their wisdom, and their experiences….but I will no longer allow those things to define who I am because Christ has already defined me, and He will be the only thing I compare myself to, and what His Word already says about me. Jesus approves of me, and that’s all that matters.
Be the person that God has created you to be. Be passionate about Jesus. Be zealous and real in your calling.
Be true to yourself in the way that God has wired you to be. Remember why you’re doing what you do. He gave you a passion, and a purpose for a reason. Who are we to quench that because of the approval of man?